Forgiveness?

When the Lord laid this on my heart it was to deal with ME. Then he told me to write this blog post and I said “no”. I dreamed about it, and the next day I wrote a short draft of my thoughts. This sat in my drafts for a total of three weeks and I never looked at it again. but it has nagged at me, so here you go. One of the hardest posts I’ve ever written.

Forgiveness is often a hard thing to understand. When you are an adoptive parent it’s often impossible to understand. This subject is difficult for me to write about, and I don’t even know if anyone will read this, but it’s been on my heart for a few weeks now, so I’m writing this out here.

When you adopt a child specifically a child with special needs, or a child who’s special needs were specifically caused by the birth parent it’s hard not to have a hard heart towards that parent. I mean they hurt your baby. Or caused your baby pain. As mamma’s it so hard not to feel angry for your child. Actually there is nothing wrong with feeling angry about your child’s situation. The problem is when that anger festers and leads to un-forgiveness. When every time we think about that person our hearts are hard. This is completely normal and natural. I have battled with un-forgiveness. I completely understand where it comes from, and how hard it is to not feel badly towards people who have wronged you or your children.

It has taken me many years to get to where I am now, and I admittedly still have a long way to go. But, the Lord has really helped me with the un-forgiveness and truth be told hatred in my heart. When I am sitting in my daughters floor holding her and trying to explain why her mother didn’t try harder to take care of her, I have two choices, I can allow that to fester and feel hard feelings towards her mother and bash her mother (and that would seem justified), or I can accept that her mother made poor decisions and that God loves her anyways, and tell my daughter that I don’t know why those things happened, but that she is being taken care of now and God is in control, and teach my daughter to pray for her mother.

Un-forgiveness towards birth parents is a parasite that grows in your heart. Over time you it will feel like it belongs there. There will be many people who will help it belong there and add further to your hard heart. But the thing about un-forgiveness is that it keeps us from receiving forgiveness from God. Eventually we teach our children to have un-forgiveness  in their heart.

For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive you your transgressions. Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is about freedom. Un-forgiveness and hatred bind chains around you. When you teach your children to harbor hatred and un-forgiveness it binds chains around them as well. So how do you change the way you feel about birth parents when they have caused your children to suffer? Well, that’s not a simple answer. The first thing is to pray, pray and pray some more. Pray for that person. Ask God to change your heart, and your perspective. It’s a very delicate situation because as a parent we feel so deeply for those children that the Lord has put in our lives, and we may never get past that. BUT I assure you learning to forgive them will be one of the best things you can do for yourself and your child. One day my children will be old enough to fully understand what has happened to them. I would much rather be the voice that helps them reach a place of forgiveness and love, then the person who helps them develop hatred.

This is a difficult task indeed, and one I am still working hard on. I am not the best with words, and this probably makes no sense at all, but it’s just something I have really been dealing with, and if for only one person, or maybe for myself, the Lord lead me to write this. And there it is one of the hardest posts I have ever written.

Attachment success

When you adopt an older child from an orphanage, or foster care, there is always the chance that that child will have attachment issues. It takes work to help that child form appropriate attachments, and can be very disheartening to the adoptive mother. Hailey has Reactive Attachment Disorder. We have been working on her healing for many years now, and are finally at a place where I believe we are seeing her heal.

Yesterday she gave me two songs she wrote that tell me she is healing.

“I love my family no matter what, because I love Christopher, Sammy, Liam, Mom, Dad, so much,”

“As long as we are together as a family and loving each other, life will be in good shape.”

I’ve cried all morning. Tears of joy. My heart is full.

An Odd yet Frequent Question

I get asked asked a question often that seems odd to me, but I guess in a way I understand. I was asked this question recently, and then I heard a hear wrenching story about an unwanted child, and it got me thinking. So what is the question? “If you had known about all of the health needs, and mental health needs of H & C would you still have adopted them?”

Every time I am asked this, I always say well, yes! But I am also stunned that people even ask this. It is kind of offensive. I’m perplexed that this is how people think. I mean, there are no guarantees that the child you gave birth to won’t have health issues, or mental health issues. If you knew that when your child was 6 he would develop a Brain condition and require surgery after surgery, would you still choose to have that child? When you give birth to a child, you have no way of knowing if they will develop Autism, or have ADHD, or develop seizures, or the many of unknown possibilities. You just take them as they come, and do your best to be the best parent you can be, and rely heavily on the Lord to get you all through. You love that child, because they are your child! It should be no different with an adopted child!

So in short, I may not have known about all the “issues” that would arise, but I did know some, and I would do all over again, because when God leads a child to your home, they are your child no matter how they got there. 

Adoption?

The other day I posted a story about my sweet Hailey and a book we had read. Much to my surprise I received a few negative comments. One comment in particular really got me thinking. The comment; “I do not believe that someone else is ever better than the birth parent, and that you would try to take the place of that child’s mom is appalling. I do not agree with adoption!” Anonymous

Okay, first, I absolutely believe that every birth parent has a special place in each child's  heart.  In a perfect world each birth parent would take responsibility for their child and love them unconditionally. They would make every effort to take care of that child, and they would be a family. But we do not live in a perfect world. So, if there were no option for adoption, what would these children have? Well, in countries where adoption is not widely practiced,  the children are placed in orphanages, or left on the streets to fend for themselves.

Every adoptive parent has their own journey. There are many different things that lead them to that decision. Not all are pure, but most are. Our story will not look the same as another persons. But one thing remains the same, (at least for most) Their families have been blessed beyond belief. I can’t tell another persons story, but I can tell mine.

My children were in the foster care system for many reasons. For their privacy those will remain with me, but I assure you there was a reason. They were both born  into a home where there mother could not take care of them. Once in the foster care system they had many homes (or places to stay). It’s incredibly hard to place sibling groups where both children have special needs. Plus there are very few people who desire to adopt an older child. Most are looking for 2 and under. When God led them to our home they had already been passed up several times because of those issues. We were so thankful to God that we were able to offer these beautiful children a place to call home. To keep them together. Had we not accepted God’s call for us, and not adopted them, where would they be? What would have happened to them? Would they still be together? Would anyone have taken the time to take care of my sweet babies needs, or would they have been considered bad kids and pushed aside? I will never know the answers to these questions, and I am glad of that. For so many the outcome is less than desirable.

I am forever thankful to God for leading us on this journey, and I could not imagine life without my babies. If I lose you as a reader because of that so be it. I’m really not concerned about that. I keep this blog because I enjoy it. I will not apologize for loving my children with all of my heart, and desiring that they love me. I will not apologize for offering them the best care that I can give them (care they would not have gotten otherwise), and I will not apologize for believing in adoption. Adoption, when led by the hand of God, is the most beautiful blessing you can receive. I love my children, and that’s what they are, “My Children”.

All the Things I Didn’t Know

I posted this on Hailey’s Medical Blog But I thought I would share it here as well.

The day my husband and I made the decision to take Hailey into our home, we realized that we would be her only advocates. Up to that point, (she was almost 5) no one had taken the time to get her the help she needed, they simply labeled her as, “Bad”, “Wild”, “Uncontrollable”, “a true victim of her circumstances”. A child no one wanted, or was willing to “deal” with. I guess that’s not entirely true, they did get her glasses at age 4. Anyway, we knew that we had a long road ahead of us, but we were not going to give up on this little one like so many people had before.

What I had not prepared for was life long advocacy. I truly thought that once we got her to a certain point, things would get easier. And I was very naive to the fact that I would even have to fight with health care people, to get her what she needed. I didn’t understand that I would eventually be advocating for people to recognize that she needed help. All because she “LOOKS” normal.

Those are just a few things that I did not know. It may sound like I’m complaining, or that I resent these things, but it is quite opposite, because there are so many more things i did not know when we made our decision. I did not know that I would fall madly in love with her. I did not know that helping her make it in this Neuro typical  world would become my passion. I did not know that I would feel her hurt so deeply that I cry when I see her being treated unfairly. I did not know that she would rock my world and turn it upside down.

There are days when I wonder why I was chosen for such a HUGE task, and I wonder if I am doing anything right. But, I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything else in life. So, when I asked, “Would you have made the same decision if you had known about all of the issues?” My answer is YES, my daughter is not a mistake, she was given to my by God! He always gives me the strength I need to deal with whatever comes our way. I would never trade the opportunity to se her smile, to feel her hugs, and to see her succeed.   

Adoption Story

On January 23, 2007 My husband and I moved to Kentucky. We knew that God had great things planned for us here but we never dreamed what it would be. Shortly after moving here God brought a couple into our lives that were in foster care classes. They invited us to go to the information meeting. We talked about it and decided we would go and get the information. At that time we had both agreed that being foster parents would have to wait until Chris got done with school. When God began to work on our hearts we weren't sure why. To us the timing was all wrong. But God laid it on our hearts to go ahead and take the classes.

January 2008 we were approved as Foster parents. That same day they called us with a placement. They told us very little about these children, just that they were a sibling group and that they had already been in care for almost two years. We knew that DCBS was working on putting the kids up for Adoption. At the time we had only agreed to be foster parents. We knew that we were not at a place in our lives where we could Adopt. We said yes anyways. I think part of me always knew that if they came up for Adoption I would say yes. But I was not sure.

The first day they were in our home God told me that these were my kids. It was a long road of wondering if Adoption would ever come but on January 16Th the Adoption was finalized. This was one of the most miraculous days of our lives. A week later I gave birth to a I oftebeautiful baby boy and we went from a family of 2 to a family of 5. I often wonder why God chose me for such an incredible responsibility. And the timing was definitely not our timing, but I would not traid it for anything. This has been one of the greatest adventures of my life. I can't wait to see what things God has in store for our family next. Adoption is not without it's challenges but when it is guided by the Lord, nothing compares.